Holisitic Cassandra News

Okay– so as I mentioned in my earlier post confession#1 , I do enjoy wine from time to time…..  And,   now will pose the question to investigate:  do yoga and wine mix?    This is the line of questioning with which my mind sometimes rankles:  As I progress along my yogic path:   do I need to forgo the enjoyment of having a glass or two of wine with dinner?  Is this a detour on my road to greater inner freedom, true spirituality, and ultimate enlightenment?

I would like to feel I have the “answer” here for myself as well as anyone else who may be pondering what it actually means to follow a true yogic path.  Is it not possible to continue to be aware, delve into self-inquiry, be present on my spiritual path and enjoy wine with an evening meal?   Sure— as long as I am not overindulging– right?   Moderation of all pleasures of the body and mind is certainly a prerequisite to the path of yoga. – so a glass or two of wine with dinner doesn’t seem to be pushing any major boundary;   yet– perhaps it depends on how strictly one wishes to pursue the path of yoga, how one interprets such a path,  and how much one believes his/her life should reflect and be in tune with  the ancient yoga teachings…..

From a strictly Ayurvedic perspective,  alcohol– by its very nature– is tamasic, meaning it is not fresh or light– belonging more to the realm of darkness and ignorance.  Anything tamasic in nature (think red meat and fermented foods) can add to aggressive disturbances in the mind and body, increasing the pitta dosha.    If we are really working toward enlightenment or some form of attaining more light in our yoga practice and our lives (lead me from the unreal to the real; lead me from the darkness to the light), we would make certain to keep our diets and overall lifestyle more sattvic in nature (that is, simple, light, fresh, pure and good)– sans alcohol!

One the one hand, I definitely eat a pretty simple, sattvic diet — although I do add meat to my diet to help balance my vatta dosha (read post: wait, I thought I was a vegetarian?) .   I practice and/or teach yoga on a daily basis (most of the time).  I work progressively on being aware and conscious in my decisions and choices…..   I enjoy the work I do and feel I am utilizing and expressing my natural abilities as I help others.   This brings me a great deal of satisfaction.   I find I am living a life that is, for the most part, consistent with my values and beliefs.  So can I consciously enjoy some wine with dinner?

Not to split hairs here, but , on the other hand,   alcohol ,classified as a central nervous system depressant,  has a tendency to depress or slow down various sensations and reactions as well as lessen  one’s inhibitions of impulses and emotions.    It has a bit of a mind-altering, or at least, mood altering capacity, dulling the senses and adding a bit of cloudiness to the mind.   Alcohol usage can easily become habitual, sort of the opposite of mindful (and, of course, addictive for some).

Thus, as I am working toward clarity and toward a path of consciousness, and greater conscious feeling, I am compelled to examine the compatibility of wine and yoga.  Does wine have the capacity to impede my path to awareness?  - Does it interfere with my intention to live a true, authentic life…..?

Intention– is a very significant concept here.    If I make an intention to find liberation or inner freedom and experience my spirit, delving into material pleasure or enjoyments, especially those which seem to have less than an illuminating effect—i.e., wine in this case, seems somewhat counterproductive.  Yet, my enjoyment of good, simple food and my acquired appreciation of wine over the past several years bring me a certain amount of joy, which I believe needs to be part of the yoga path— a necessity to a life worth living.  I want to appreciate what life has to offer.  I am quite present with this joy and find that I do not need to seek out this form of pleasure in order to lose myself or cope with my present reality.

I am sure this can be a very slippery slope for some and for many of us, sometimes–

Kleshas, or addictive behaviors or disturbing emotions, cause suffering.   However, if I am mindful and not compulsive, haphazard, or overindulgent with my behaviors, I can practice mindfulness and moderation in my lifestyle.     … And enjoy wine…

No obvious conflict here…..  Unless you believe that deprivation is the path of a true yogi.

Recalling the story of the Buddha is significant:

Young Prince Siddhartha Gautama (Buddha before enlightenment) was horrified when he learned about how many people outside of his privileged world suffered and lived in misery.  He fled his comfortable life and eventually became an ascetic.   For six long and arduous years, Gautama practiced painful self-mortification (nearly starving himself and putting his body through virtual torture) in an effort to reach enlightenment.  Yet, he was no closer to his goal.  In other words, he did not find what he was looking for through self-denial.   He became disillusioned with these methods. Such self-imposed bodily punishment only resulted in dullness of spirit, incredible physical disability and profound exhaustion. He concluded that the body, as a vehicle for enlightenment, must be physically fit to train the mind. .  He began to take nourishment again and slowly, he regained his strength and vigor, preparing himself for the greatest struggle which lay ahead.  He realized now that a life of self-indulgence would lead him far away from accomplishing his aim. Conversely, he concluded that no one could be enlightened through self-torture of the body. After abandoning extreme asceticism in favor of the Middle Path of self-restraint, Gautama achieved Enlightenment in a flash while meditating under a sacred pipal  ( the famed bodhi tree).   He was now the Buddha, realizing the middle path must be the proper way to realize harmony of body and mind, just as a precisely-tuned stringed instrument, having neither too slack nor too taut a string, emits a perfectly balanced and lovely sound. The Buddha began his teaching of the middle path, emphasizing avoidance of the extreme behaviors of suffering and luxury and focusing upon the goal of non-attachment.

Although I think I am “grasping” the concept of the middle path and the importance of nonattachment, I find it difficult to put this experience and understanding into words.  Experiencing what I may believe the middle path to be is not easily translated into the limited context of language.   But I will try:  Being in the moment, enjoying life as it happens, experiencing that which brings me joy in a moderate, reasonable way seems like rightful action and effort.  Of course, I know as a yogi that happiness cannot depend on outside things, external circumstances.  I know I need to cultivate simplicity in my life and create inner fulfillment. I want to experience pure happiness (which is not based on attachment to impermanent things).  I know that this true state of being resides in me at all times….  Wine, food, or any other material pleasures for that matter, certainly do not translate directly to inner happiness.

But still– an uneasy feeling and more self-doubt:  Am I looking to be the exception?   Am I rationalizing my own behavior?   If I were really a good yogi, wouldn’t I live a really pure life— practicing saucha (purity in thought and action)?

The idea of a pure life or path– seems to be a loaded concept.   As soon as I “say” I want to be something other than what I believe I am — or hold myself to such a severe standard– am I already on my way to corrupting such purity?   Am I not working against santosha (the practice of contentment with oneself and one’s life as it is)? And the idea of absolutes and duality is certainly not the teachings of the Buddha (think: Dharma vs. Non-Dharma).

And is it really necessary for me to feel guilty or self-critical as I pursue a sattvic, pure life……   Isn’t nonjudgment and self-acceptance the key tenets of yoga?  If I am seeking harmony of my body and mind on my middle path, shouldn’t I accept and be who I am, honoring where I am along this path?

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Then I am reminded by one of my favorite yoga teachers, Sondra, that this practice is for people like us– just regular people—not some perfected being!  Oh I am happy to hear this…   In my current incarnation, I have passion, desires, and some areas in which I could definitely improve.  The good news for me:  I am willing to recognize that I am a work in progress…. there is time for purity… I am just not entirely ready yet.    I truly intend on practicing yoga for the rest of my life….  so who knows what’s in store for me!

As I write this post, I realize that I am not just writing to confess or share what I think may be interesting or worth taking a look at (hopefully); but that I am actually engaging in the middle path as part of this self-inquiry.  On the middle path, we are to investigate problems from various angles, analyze the findings, understand the truth and find a reasonable conclusion.

Feeling bad about who I am as a yogi is the antithesis of the practice of yoga.  It is sad that so many of us judge ourselves constantly and, unfortunately, sometimes use yoga as a vehicle to do this!    How many of us, from time to time,  have been critical of ourselves for falling short of our own expectations of ourselves as yogis?  Finding fault for a whole litany of reasons:   E.g., why can’t I balance better in crow pose?    What’s wrong with me I haven’t memorized the yamas and the niyamas yet?   I had some meat today, am I an ahimsa offender?   Why can’t I quiet my mind long enough to meditate properly? Why do I need a cheat sheet to remember how to invoke Ganesh?

All kidding aside,   many of us take ourselves too seriously!  Yoga is not about whether or not I drink wine or know my chants by heart.  It’s about delving into the heart of oneself; about learning self-acceptance and compassion for others; it is about connection to the higher self and to everyone and everything in the universe.  It’s about maintaining contact with our core Self in the face of all difficulties and disturbances.  I believe I am on the right path if I can reflect upon my actions, thoughts, behaviors – my life- and continuously aspire to positive change.  As I practice with an open heart and an open mind– openness and willingness to the possibility of change– and acknowledge and accept  who I am right here and now, the divergences and obstacles may still exist but become less and less powerful.    I can appreciate what I have and what I do right now without grasping it or wanting to push it away.   This reminds me of a simple mantra I remember reading about in Yoga Journal a few years ago:

I love what comes and I love what goes.  (http://www.yogajournal.com/newsletter/myj_245.html)  — A reminder that everything changes, everything is constantly evolving….. And that as I practice aparigraha (nongrasping, nonattachment),  I am more likely to connect with a sense of inner harmony and peace and experience my true nature more deeply.

As most good (and even not so good) Catholics know, and others have certainly heard:
Pride is a deadly/ mortal sin. As a matter of fact, pride is the first in a series of Seven Deadly Sins. You may be familiar with the age-old adage: “ Pride goeth before the fall;” implying the destructive nature of exalting one’s self over others , including God— certainly this is in complete opposition to the practice of humility and thereby not all that conducive to the path of a yogi.

I have been noticing how pride and fear are intricately woven together in my own life…..  I definitely know pride…My pride, however, is not so much that I put myself above others- I do not believe.  It really has more to do with fear– fear of losing face or experiencing humiliation if I do not come across the way I would hope to—with my best foot forward.
As I want to present my best possible self and steer clear of any possible humiliation, of course, I tend to experience fear…. Fear that I will disappoint myself and feel bad… fear of being humiliated, fear of being hurt.
Fear– it seems is also an obstacle or even a contradiction on the yogic path… Of course, we are all human and have the capacity and necessity to feel fear…. Yet, I know as I practice yoga—finding power in my warrior stance and developing a discipline which builds confidence- that I am practicing to become fearless– or at the very least, to fear less…

Having enjoyed the freeing practice of yoga for years, I never had the intention to become a teacher.  I felt content doing my practice with joy and  without much thought of the future…… I did not have to imagine myself getting “better” or becoming anything… (what a relief)…   This was my practice for me and me alone.  The role of becoming a teacher was not only far out of my reach but far from my everyday thought process.

About 10 years into my devoted practice, however, I decided to go to Kripalu and complete the 200- hour- teacher training — not so much to become a teacher as to deepen my own practice through an intensive month of long days filled with yoga and its teachings.  This made sense to me:   Living, eating, breathing yoga seemed like a really good idea:  a natural extension of the courtship and love affair, if you will, with which I was so deeply involved.    This practice had already given me so much—it filled me with a kind of high– and I was finally ready to go further.  Waking up at 4:30am in the beautiful Berkshires of Kripalu, sometimes I would   steal another half hour of sleep if possible, before attending the first yoga class of the day at 6:00am. This was followed by a breakfast in silence. Breakfast became a meditative practice, really, deepening my inner experience and understanding of simple, nourishing food and the importance of slowing down and withdrawing the senses to facilitate the process of metabolic as well as emotional digestion.

I learned to enjoy and even look forward to having a grounding bowl of kitchari around 8 am everyday- (recipe to follow in my next post).   Breakfast would be followed by lecture of yoga philosophy, readings of yogic texts, touching upon Sanskrit translations as well as lessons of anatomy. Sometimes we would break off into small groups and practice connecting with one another– whether through active listening techniques or telling one another personal things that were significant and challenging in our lives.   Our days were long—most days we were active in our practice for 10-12 hours.  Wow, this was extremely challenging yet rewarding on all levels. I was learning about myself in ways I could not have imagined. My sense of identity and sense of limitations and potential were being put to the test.

Although I was living the yogic life, reaching new levels of self-acceptance and self-exploration, there lurked in the back of my mind, a feeling of extreme discomfort:  I knew the day of reckoning would come when I would have to stand up in front of my fellow yogis and teach the class.
Dread. Fear and pride competed for a space in the pit of my stomach. How could I ever present my self to the class in the role of teacher?

I tell myself the story (you know– the story that runs in many of our minds that seems to reinforce our own actions, belief system, and way of being in the world) that I already know who I am and who I am not:

I am modest; I am proud; I am shy; I am different; I want to be proud of whatever I’m doing. I want to do something that is really worthwhile…. I do not like the idea of being self-indulgent or self-referential.   I really just want to be-   that is, be happy and be true to myself— Teaching just isn’t me….
What is all this internal chatter about? Why am I so uncomfortable with the idea of presenting myself as teacher….   Fear has a way of taking over—it sort of  floods  in like a tidal wave.  F.E.A.R.  (False Events Appearing Real)….   What if, what if…. What if I fail??   I may fall short, or even worse, flat on my face!  Will I measure up to my own high standards? – Will I be good enough? What is good enough? Self judgment invades my mind – how can I declare how much I know….. This doesn’t feel comfortable—it doesn’t feel familiar—I am on shaky ground.    This fear sensation— where does it come from??… Basic shyness; inability to recognize my own greatness and potential; fear of failure, fear of success?

Pride has something to do with self-definition, or more specifically, self-esteem. I want to feel good about myself and feel really good about whatever it is I am doing…..  But, in reality, what is good enough?   Having a self-limiting definition of myself and what constitutes “good enough”— makes it easy to justify doing nothing… avoidance follows…and fear reinforces more fear… The fear of failure to meet one’s own standards can become paralyzing. I have spent quite a bit of time throughout my life perfecting the practice of maneuvering and ultimately avoiding settings and circumstances which would, or possibly could, bring about too much exposure, too much fear— false events appearing real …
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I recall my final year in high school, vying for the position of valedictorian…. I was hard- working and devoted and disciplined in my studies. I prided myself ( here we go again!) on being the “best’…. When I learned that if I reached my goal of becoming the top of my class, I would need to deliver a speech in the presence of the graduating class, et al. …. my heart nearly stopped…. Oh my god, I couldn’t possibly survive such a public display…… So I considered being second in my class until I learned as class-salutatorian I too would have to give a speech! And, of course, no third place for me… So, I decide to bypass the fear and go for it— I would continue to work hard and deal with the fear at a later date………
Come graduation day—I am co-valedictorian of my class and, of course, must offer a speech worthy of my position….. I do it— so afraid I can barely breathe. My speech is well received—pretty good, I must admit— and yet, I must reveal— I am probably the only person who ever experienced, and survived, a bout of hysterical blindness during her high school valedictorian speech (translated: could not see for several moments due to severe anxiety, fear, and panic in relation to public speaking)— 2 seconds? But it felt like a lifetime. I don’t think I let on—no one seemed to notice I couldn’t see my note cards and paused for several moments…. But I can tell you – I am someone who knows fear inside and out.

Fast forward- 20+ years– I did not go blind during my teacher training—- I survived and it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined.   I did it– I became certified– taught classes to other teachers during my intensive training- felt the fear and did it anyway…..   Recovering from my perfectionism—this must be progress— it must be growth!

Practicing and teaching yoga continuously offer me the invaluable opportunity to become more vulnerable… Through the practice of asana , through breath work, through the guidance of exceptional teachers, yoga allows  me  to expand my definition of who I am. I can “fail” knowing that tomorrow I may succeed… I can even—to paraphrase the Bhagavad Gita– put in the effort—the action- and let go of the outcome!

Being in the role of teacher is clearly not about putting oneself above anyone else……  yes, I can be a guide to others and share the benefits of this life-affirming practice……. What I am learning is to truly be of service in the role of teacher…. This is what teaching is about…. This is the true yogic path—being of service…. I can work toward letting go of pride and fear and come closer to being me—continuously expanding and redefining who I am— accepting all my feelings, limitations, and potential.

Let’s clear the air:   My name is Cassandra— and like my ancient Greek namesake- I  have news I would like to share with you. Unlike the Greek prophetess, what I say is not necessarily a warning or a prophesy- but rather information that I have learned in many different realms of my life that might be of interest to those of you who want to live a  more conscious, joyful life — a life that feels like your very own.   …. And again, unlike my Greek counterpart, I hope you will heed what I say– it would be a shame to be ignored or dismissed after what she went through!

Cassandra, the Greek goddess, can be seen almost as a forerunner to the modern woman– she was independent and had independent insights , she was  intelligent and unwilling to compromise herself and her beliefs.   Unfortunately for her, the world in which she lived was not quite ready to deal with such a force……
If you don’t know the story, Cassandra was granted the power to forsee the future by the god, Apollo.  This was done, however, with  the “understanding” that Apollo would ”have” her for his very own. Once granteed her powers, she refused him– not willing to give herself away. Apollo punishes her– not by taking away her vision, but  by making certain that no one would ever believe her. Very unfortunate since she had a lot to say and could have saved the Greeks a whole lot of trouble and heart ache. Remember the Trojan Horse? She tried to warn them.

So, stay tuned and I will begin to share with you what I see.