Well I must confess, its been awhile since my last confession in the blogosphere…..

As you may already know from my past posts as the reluctant yoga teacher, I am a yogi who enjoys wine and meat  and is working toward achieving an unapologetic acceptance of who I am  regarding these conscious choices.

Are you ready for the latest?

I have an intense weakness for fashion, for clothes, for the costumes  we don in our daily lives.   I have a passion for beautiful fabrics, just the right fit and draping and  have been known to become a little obsessed with shoes, especially boots and sky-high sandals!!!

okay– so the question begs to be answered:    Is fashion, and someone who is passionate about the latest pair of camilla skovgaard ’s, frivolous and superficial by nature?   Or can fashion and the

pursuit  for, say, the perfect pair of jeans, be meaningful– a worthwhile endeavor?    I mean, isn’t it true that how we choose to adorn ourselves reflects how we see and feel about ourselves…… ?   And— thereby, does it not follow that the more we know who we are, the more we are in touch with our inner selves, the more likely we are to

present that self to the world in a positive way which brings about joy for ourselves ( and maybe even to the outside world)?    And, in the world in which we live, it is

difficult ,and maybe even self-limiting , to separate out our inner and outer selves— that is, who we are( or believe we are)  and who we present to the outside world. I would like to think that I am continuously working on having these 2 selves be congruent .    Not to say that the tenet: “ I have a body and mind but am not my body and mind” doesn’t hold water.     I believe it certainly does.  Our physical self is by no means the totality of who we are; but is a reflection of who are in this lifetime.   So why not treat the body as a sacred, extraordinary being, housing the soul or the true self, to be cared for, to experience bliss, and to be revealed (or covered) in a way to express one’s essential self.

So although we can argue that fashion is part of a crazed consumerism and attempts to mass-market happiness, is  indulgent, and ego-driven, I much prefer to see dressing oneself in the things that one loves as a form of self-care.     Treating yourself to a cashmere sweater  can be a practice of honoring your self— of  acknowledging that you are worthy.   Of course, like all pleasures, it can be easy to go overboard! ….    and I have definitely found that I, for one, can struggle with the slippery slope of how many essential spring pieces are really essential?

Anyway,  excited about the idea that as physical beings with a greater (perhaps divine) purpose, we can go forth in a way that explores, reinforces, and radiates our true self,  our inner beauty and unique sense of style.  In the vein of self care and  grounded in the service of helping others learn to practice such  loving kindness toward themselves in  daily lives, I am adding  personal stylist  to my bag of tricks, if you will.

With my love of fashion and my desire to use my background to help people find balance, joy and health in their lives, I am looking forward to collaborating with women (and men if interested) in exploring and enhancing their personal style.   Just as  proper nutrition and conscious movement nourishes our bodies; just as   through the practice of yoga, spending quality time with loved ones, and learning to relate and be connected to the world around us can nourish our spirits,  how we choose to dress ourselves and present ourselves to the outside world can feed a strong sense of self and allow for one’s inner beauty to be illuminated and fully expressed.

]]> http://holisticcassandra.com/2011/02/confession-4-fashion-frivolous-and-superficial-or-a-meaningful-endeavor/feed/ 1 http://holisticcassandra.com/2010/10/i-enjoy-wine-is-that-a-detour-on-my-yogic-path/ http://holisticcassandra.com/2010/10/i-enjoy-wine-is-that-a-detour-on-my-yogic-path/#comments Fri, 22 Oct 2010 01:30:27 +0000 Cassandra http://holisticcassandra.com/?p=298 Okay– so as I mentioned in my earlier post confession#1 , I do enjoy wine from time to time…..  And,   now will pose the question to investigate:  do yoga and wine mix?    This is the line of questioning with which my mind sometimes rankles:  As I progress along my yogic path:   do I need to forgo the enjoyment of having a glass or two of wine with dinner?  Is this a detour on my road to greater inner freedom, true spirituality, and ultimate enlightenment?

I would like to feel I have the “answer” here for myself as well as anyone else who may be pondering what it actually means to follow a true yogic path.  Is it not possible to continue to be aware, delve into self-inquiry, be present on my spiritual path and enjoy wine with an evening meal?   Sure— as long as I am not overindulging– right?   Moderation of all pleasures of the body and mind is certainly a prerequisite to the path of yoga. – so a glass or two of wine with dinner doesn’t seem to be pushing any major boundary;   yet– perhaps it depends on how strictly one wishes to pursue the path of yoga, how one interprets such a path,  and how much one believes his/her life should reflect and be in tune with  the ancient yoga teachings…..

From a strictly Ayurvedic perspective,  alcohol– by its very nature– is tamasic, meaning it is not fresh or light– belonging more to the realm of darkness and ignorance.  Anything tamasic in nature (think red meat and fermented foods) can add to aggressive disturbances in the mind and body, increasing the pitta dosha.    If we are really working toward enlightenment or some form of attaining more light in our yoga practice and our lives (lead me from the unreal to the real; lead me from the darkness to the light), we would make certain to keep our diets and overall lifestyle more sattvic in nature (that is, simple, light, fresh, pure and good)– sans alcohol!

One the one hand, I definitely eat a pretty simple, sattvic diet — although I do add meat to my diet to help balance my vatta dosha (read post: wait, I thought I was a vegetarian?) .   I practice and/or teach yoga on a daily basis (most of the time).  I work progressively on being aware and conscious in my decisions and choices…..   I enjoy the work I do and feel I am utilizing and expressing my natural abilities as I help others.   This brings me a great deal of satisfaction.   I find I am living a life that is, for the most part, consistent with my values and beliefs.  So can I consciously enjoy some wine with dinner?

Not to split hairs here, but , on the other hand,   alcohol ,classified as a central nervous system depressant,  has a tendency to depress or slow down various sensations and reactions as well as lessen  one’s inhibitions of impulses and emotions.    It has a bit of a mind-altering, or at least, mood altering capacity, dulling the senses and adding a bit of cloudiness to the mind.   Alcohol usage can easily become habitual, sort of the opposite of mindful (and, of course, addictive for some).

Thus, as I am working toward clarity and toward a path of consciousness, and greater conscious feeling, I am compelled to examine the compatibility of wine and yoga.  Does wine have the capacity to impede my path to awareness?  - Does it interfere with my intention to live a true, authentic life…..?

Intention– is a very significant concept here.    If I make an intention to find liberation or inner freedom and experience my spirit, delving into material pleasure or enjoyments, especially those which seem to have less than an illuminating effect—i.e., wine in this case, seems somewhat counterproductive.  Yet, my enjoyment of good, simple food and my acquired appreciation of wine over the past several years bring me a certain amount of joy, which I believe needs to be part of the yoga path— a necessity to a life worth living.  I want to appreciate what life has to offer.  I am quite present with this joy and find that I do not need to seek out this form of pleasure in order to lose myself or cope with my present reality.

I am sure this can be a very slippery slope for some and for many of us, sometimes–

Kleshas, or addictive behaviors or disturbing emotions, cause suffering.   However, if I am mindful and not compulsive, haphazard, or overindulgent with my behaviors, I can practice mindfulness and moderation in my lifestyle.     … And enjoy wine…

No obvious conflict here…..  Unless you believe that deprivation is the path of a true yogi.

Recalling the story of the Buddha is significant:

Young Prince Siddhartha Gautama (Buddha before enlightenment) was horrified when he learned about how many people outside of his privileged world suffered and lived in misery.  He fled his comfortable life and eventually became an ascetic.   For six long and arduous years, Gautama practiced painful self-mortification (nearly starving himself and putting his body through virtual torture) in an effort to reach enlightenment.  Yet, he was no closer to his goal.  In other words, he did not find what he was looking for through self-denial.   He became disillusioned with these methods. Such self-imposed bodily punishment only resulted in dullness of spirit, incredible physical disability and profound exhaustion. He concluded that the body, as a vehicle for enlightenment, must be physically fit to train the mind. .  He began to take nourishment again and slowly, he regained his strength and vigor, preparing himself for the greatest struggle which lay ahead.  He realized now that a life of self-indulgence would lead him far away from accomplishing his aim. Conversely, he concluded that no one could be enlightened through self-torture of the body. After abandoning extreme asceticism in favor of the Middle Path of self-restraint, Gautama achieved Enlightenment in a flash while meditating under a sacred pipal  ( the famed bodhi tree).   He was now the Buddha, realizing the middle path must be the proper way to realize harmony of body and mind, just as a precisely-tuned stringed instrument, having neither too slack nor too taut a string, emits a perfectly balanced and lovely sound. The Buddha began his teaching of the middle path, emphasizing avoidance of the extreme behaviors of suffering and luxury and focusing upon the goal of non-attachment.

Although I think I am “grasping” the concept of the middle path and the importance of nonattachment, I find it difficult to put this experience and understanding into words.  Experiencing what I may believe the middle path to be is not easily translated into the limited context of language.   But I will try:  Being in the moment, enjoying life as it happens, experiencing that which brings me joy in a moderate, reasonable way seems like rightful action and effort.  Of course, I know as a yogi that happiness cannot depend on outside things, external circumstances.  I know I need to cultivate simplicity in my life and create inner fulfillment. I want to experience pure happiness (which is not based on attachment to impermanent things).  I know that this true state of being resides in me at all times….  Wine, food, or any other material pleasures for that matter, certainly do not translate directly to inner happiness.

But still– an uneasy feeling and more self-doubt:  Am I looking to be the exception?   Am I rationalizing my own behavior?   If I were really a good yogi, wouldn’t I live a really pure life— practicing saucha (purity in thought and action)?

The idea of a pure life or path– seems to be a loaded concept.   As soon as I “say” I want to be something other than what I believe I am — or hold myself to such a severe standard– am I already on my way to corrupting such purity?   Am I not working against santosha (the practice of contentment with oneself and one’s life as it is)? And the idea of absolutes and duality is certainly not the teachings of the Buddha (think: Dharma vs. Non-Dharma).

And is it really necessary for me to feel guilty or self-critical as I pursue a sattvic, pure life……   Isn’t nonjudgment and self-acceptance the key tenets of yoga?  If I am seeking harmony of my body and mind on my middle path, shouldn’t I accept and be who I am, honoring where I am along this path?

-

Then I am reminded by one of my favorite yoga teachers, Sondra, that this practice is for people like us– just regular people—not some perfected being!  Oh I am happy to hear this…   In my current incarnation, I have passion, desires, and some areas in which I could definitely improve.  The good news for me:  I am willing to recognize that I am a work in progress…. there is time for purity… I am just not entirely ready yet.    I truly intend on practicing yoga for the rest of my life….  so who knows what’s in store for me!

As I write this post, I realize that I am not just writing to confess or share what I think may be interesting or worth taking a look at (hopefully); but that I am actually engaging in the middle path as part of this self-inquiry.  On the middle path, we are to investigate problems from various angles, analyze the findings, understand the truth and find a reasonable conclusion.

Feeling bad about who I am as a yogi is the antithesis of the practice of yoga.  It is sad that so many of us judge ourselves constantly and, unfortunately, sometimes use yoga as a vehicle to do this!    How many of us, from time to time,  have been critical of ourselves for falling short of our own expectations of ourselves as yogis?  Finding fault for a whole litany of reasons:   E.g., why can’t I balance better in crow pose?    What’s wrong with me I haven’t memorized the yamas and the niyamas yet?   I had some meat today, am I an ahimsa offender?   Why can’t I quiet my mind long enough to meditate properly? Why do I need a cheat sheet to remember how to invoke Ganesh?

All kidding aside,   many of us take ourselves too seriously!  Yoga is not about whether or not I drink wine or know my chants by heart.  It’s about delving into the heart of oneself; about learning self-acceptance and compassion for others; it is about connection to the higher self and to everyone and everything in the universe.  It’s about maintaining contact with our core Self in the face of all difficulties and disturbances.  I believe I am on the right path if I can reflect upon my actions, thoughts, behaviors – my life- and continuously aspire to positive change.  As I practice with an open heart and an open mind– openness and willingness to the possibility of change– and acknowledge and accept  who I am right here and now, the divergences and obstacles may still exist but become less and less powerful.    I can appreciate what I have and what I do right now without grasping it or wanting to push it away.   This reminds me of a simple mantra I remember reading about in Yoga Journal a few years ago:

I love what comes and I love what goes.  (http://www.yogajournal.com/newsletter/myj_245.html)  — A reminder that everything changes, everything is constantly evolving….. And that as I practice aparigraha (nongrasping, nonattachment),  I am more likely to connect with a sense of inner harmony and peace and experience my true nature more deeply.

What you may not know is that it has a powerful therapeutic action because of its ability to penetrate deep into the cells of the body without being digested.   Externally, it is an effective wound healer, especially when mixed in unequal proportions with ghee (clarified butter).  Internally, it is a powerful digestive aid–  promoting the production of digestive enzymes — think of having a teaspoon of honey and a bit of fennel seed at the end of your next meal.  You will be amazed at  how settled your belly will feel….

Honey has also been used internally as an  aphrodisiac (stimulating more than digestion!); as a treatment for lung congestion, coughs and colds ,as well as a cardio tonic because its dry and astringent qualities help scrape phlegm and mucus from the respiratory channels and thereby reduces Kapha dosha.

With the changing of the season and the weather being kind of crazy as of late, many people are suffering from allergies and could  benefit from eating locally produced honey which, added to its many virtues, can also protect us homeopathically  against seasonal allergies and asthma.

In some ways, honey is a bit of a miracle substance– working internally and externally to balance our overall well-being.  Just one word of caution:  Never heat honey above 40 degrees centigrade or 104 degrees Fahrenheit, as it is said to become toxic and blocks the micro-vessels of  the body.  So, just make sure you eat honey in its raw state rather than cooked.

P.S.   I just remembered a childhood poem about honey that is sort of sweet (pun intended!):

I eat my peas with honey

I’ve done it all my life

It makes the peas taste funny

But it keeps them on my knife

– proving that both its versatility  and usefulness are boundless…..  Enjoy!

The first annual O+ festival will be held in uptown Kingston on October 8, 9, and 10th.   O+ is a music and arts festival whose mission is to  create a bridge to access health care for artists.  The festival is promoting complete physical, mental and social well-being by connecting artists directly with a coalition of health care providers and health resources, in a shared vision to nurture the individual and the community.

This is certainly a well-needed event and service to our community.   I am excited to take part in such a positive process— I will be teaching a free gentle vinyasa yoga class on Saturday, October 9th from 11:30am-12:30pm at the Opera House on the corner of John and Fair Street.

Come out and enjoy breathing, stretching, and balancing together!

½ cup split yellow moong dal (or can be substituted with whole moong dal beans)

½ cup white basmati rice

4 cups of water

2 or 3 bay leaves

½ teaspoon (or more depending on one’s preference) grated ginger

2 TBS of Ghee

1 small white onion or 1-2 large shallots

½ teaspoon turmeric powder

½ teaspoon cumin powder or seeds

½ teaspoon coriander powder

¼ – or son teaspoon of mustard seeds

½ teaspoon or more fennel seeds

High- quality sea salt to taste

Fresh chilies or dried chili powder (optional)

1-2 TBS of finely chopped cilantro, basil, and/or mint leaves

Fresh lime juice to taste

Soak beans and rice together for at least 3 hours or (preferably) overnight.  Rinse after soaking and place in large pot with 4 cups of water.  Add bay leaves, ginger, and any or all of the above spices.  Cook covered on low fire for about 40 minutes, or until combination is soft and moisture is mostly absorbed.  Let sit for 10-15 minutes.  Heat ghee in a small pan or wok and add onion with cumin, coriander, mustard seeds, turmeric, fennel and, chili and more ginger if desired.  When seeds and spices are slightly roasted, add rice and bean mixture—sautéing and browning, until lightly browned.  Squeeze the juice of one lime and sprinkle with chopped mint, basil, and/or cilantro.  Mix it well and serve hot…add salt to taste.

Enjoy!

If you would like Khichari to be more substantial , can add chopped greens such as kale or swiss chard to water in the first phase or other vegetables such as chopped zucchini.

I have been noticing how pride and fear are intricately woven together in my own life…..  I definitely know pride…My pride, however, is not so much that I put myself above others- I do not believe.  It really has more to do with fear– fear of losing face or experiencing humiliation if I do not come across the way I would hope to—with my best foot forward.
As I want to present my best possible self and steer clear of any possible humiliation, of course, I tend to experience fear…. Fear that I will disappoint myself and feel bad… fear of being humiliated, fear of being hurt.
Fear– it seems is also an obstacle or even a contradiction on the yogic path… Of course, we are all human and have the capacity and necessity to feel fear…. Yet, I know as I practice yoga—finding power in my warrior stance and developing a discipline which builds confidence- that I am practicing to become fearless– or at the very least, to fear less…

Having enjoyed the freeing practice of yoga for years, I never had the intention to become a teacher.  I felt content doing my practice with joy and  without much thought of the future…… I did not have to imagine myself getting “better” or becoming anything… (what a relief)…   This was my practice for me and me alone.  The role of becoming a teacher was not only far out of my reach but far from my everyday thought process.

About 10 years into my devoted practice, however, I decided to go to Kripalu and complete the 200- hour- teacher training — not so much to become a teacher as to deepen my own practice through an intensive month of long days filled with yoga and its teachings.  This made sense to me:   Living, eating, breathing yoga seemed like a really good idea:  a natural extension of the courtship and love affair, if you will, with which I was so deeply involved.    This practice had already given me so much—it filled me with a kind of high– and I was finally ready to go further.  Waking up at 4:30am in the beautiful Berkshires of Kripalu, sometimes I would   steal another half hour of sleep if possible, before attending the first yoga class of the day at 6:00am. This was followed by a breakfast in silence. Breakfast became a meditative practice, really, deepening my inner experience and understanding of simple, nourishing food and the importance of slowing down and withdrawing the senses to facilitate the process of metabolic as well as emotional digestion.

I learned to enjoy and even look forward to having a grounding bowl of kitchari around 8 am everyday- (recipe to follow in my next post).   Breakfast would be followed by lecture of yoga philosophy, readings of yogic texts, touching upon Sanskrit translations as well as lessons of anatomy. Sometimes we would break off into small groups and practice connecting with one another– whether through active listening techniques or telling one another personal things that were significant and challenging in our lives.   Our days were long—most days we were active in our practice for 10-12 hours.  Wow, this was extremely challenging yet rewarding on all levels. I was learning about myself in ways I could not have imagined. My sense of identity and sense of limitations and potential were being put to the test.

Although I was living the yogic life, reaching new levels of self-acceptance and self-exploration, there lurked in the back of my mind, a feeling of extreme discomfort:  I knew the day of reckoning would come when I would have to stand up in front of my fellow yogis and teach the class.
Dread. Fear and pride competed for a space in the pit of my stomach. How could I ever present my self to the class in the role of teacher?

I tell myself the story (you know– the story that runs in many of our minds that seems to reinforce our own actions, belief system, and way of being in the world) that I already know who I am and who I am not:

I am modest; I am proud; I am shy; I am different; I want to be proud of whatever I’m doing. I want to do something that is really worthwhile…. I do not like the idea of being self-indulgent or self-referential.   I really just want to be-   that is, be happy and be true to myself— Teaching just isn’t me….
What is all this internal chatter about? Why am I so uncomfortable with the idea of presenting myself as teacher….   Fear has a way of taking over—it sort of  floods  in like a tidal wave.  F.E.A.R.  (False Events Appearing Real)….   What if, what if…. What if I fail??   I may fall short, or even worse, flat on my face!  Will I measure up to my own high standards? – Will I be good enough? What is good enough? Self judgment invades my mind – how can I declare how much I know….. This doesn’t feel comfortable—it doesn’t feel familiar—I am on shaky ground.    This fear sensation— where does it come from??… Basic shyness; inability to recognize my own greatness and potential; fear of failure, fear of success?

Pride has something to do with self-definition, or more specifically, self-esteem. I want to feel good about myself and feel really good about whatever it is I am doing…..  But, in reality, what is good enough?   Having a self-limiting definition of myself and what constitutes “good enough”— makes it easy to justify doing nothing… avoidance follows…and fear reinforces more fear… The fear of failure to meet one’s own standards can become paralyzing. I have spent quite a bit of time throughout my life perfecting the practice of maneuvering and ultimately avoiding settings and circumstances which would, or possibly could, bring about too much exposure, too much fear— false events appearing real …
—

I recall my final year in high school, vying for the position of valedictorian…. I was hard- working and devoted and disciplined in my studies. I prided myself ( here we go again!) on being the “best’…. When I learned that if I reached my goal of becoming the top of my class, I would need to deliver a speech in the presence of the graduating class, et al. …. my heart nearly stopped…. Oh my god, I couldn’t possibly survive such a public display…… So I considered being second in my class until I learned as class-salutatorian I too would have to give a speech! And, of course, no third place for me… So, I decide to bypass the fear and go for it— I would continue to work hard and deal with the fear at a later date………
Come graduation day—I am co-valedictorian of my class and, of course, must offer a speech worthy of my position….. I do it— so afraid I can barely breathe. My speech is well received—pretty good, I must admit— and yet, I must reveal— I am probably the only person who ever experienced, and survived, a bout of hysterical blindness during her high school valedictorian speech (translated: could not see for several moments due to severe anxiety, fear, and panic in relation to public speaking)— 2 seconds? But it felt like a lifetime. I don’t think I let on—no one seemed to notice I couldn’t see my note cards and paused for several moments…. But I can tell you – I am someone who knows fear inside and out.

Fast forward- 20+ years– I did not go blind during my teacher training—- I survived and it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined.   I did it– I became certified– taught classes to other teachers during my intensive training- felt the fear and did it anyway…..   Recovering from my perfectionism—this must be progress— it must be growth!

Practicing and teaching yoga continuously offer me the invaluable opportunity to become more vulnerable… Through the practice of asana , through breath work, through the guidance of exceptional teachers, yoga allows  me  to expand my definition of who I am. I can “fail” knowing that tomorrow I may succeed… I can even—to paraphrase the Bhagavad Gita– put in the effort—the action- and let go of the outcome!

Being in the role of teacher is clearly not about putting oneself above anyone else……  yes, I can be a guide to others and share the benefits of this life-affirming practice……. What I am learning is to truly be of service in the role of teacher…. This is what teaching is about…. This is the true yogic path—being of service…. I can work toward letting go of pride and fear and come closer to being me—continuously expanding and redefining who I am— accepting all my feelings, limitations, and potential.

I want to talk in an upfront, somewhat revealing matter…… like a confession of sorts…… Sometimes I see myself as completely outspoken and even outrageous– which can be somewhat scary at times (refer to my prior post: Remember the Trojan Horse?) Anyway, I am coining these entries, “Confessions of a Reluctant Yoga Teacher”.  In them, I will share what I see in myself which may, in turn,  shed light on some version of   the “shadow” side  which resides in each of us and very  often evades our perceptions and sensibilities.

You may ask yourself what a yoga teacher has to feel reluctant about– never mind — feel the need to confess.
Let’s start at the beginning:
Confessions– what actually constitutes a confession?

Confession– defined by Webster’s is: an acknowledgment or disclosure of sin or sinfulness, esp. to a priest to obtain absolution.

Okay—so maybe I’ll just begin by disclosing my “sins” right here and now without a priest—outside of the proper confessional.

As a matter of fact, I must confess:
I was raised Catholic—but not strictly so….. I never actually made it into a confessional— I dropped out of Catholicism before I was ever confirmed. The only other sacrament I received besides being christened was my first communion. I enjoyed my religious instruction classes in the beginning.   There was something incredibly entertaining, even comforting, about hearing how Jesus turned water into wine (wow- what an enticing, resourceful skill!)….  And he had the capacity and generosity of spirit to take a loaf of bread and turn it into a feast for hundreds of people…   This was good stuff.  (even to this day– I am influenced by his teachings-  I really enjoy my wine.  Do yoga and wine mix?…   but that’s a subject for another day).    Anyway, as time went on,  I began to question how the nuns knew the specifics of what made Jesus click.  They would say things like: “Jesus loves when you sing to him”….   I was inquisitive, curious, and slightly irreverent- yet not completely dismissive of the Christian teachings.   I had questions, lots of questions—e.g., “How do you know what Jesus likes and doesn’t like?”  ….  The answers were never quite satisfactory.   I lost interest and became frustrated, not being able to really ever nail down a valid explanation or any proof that anyone really knew all that much about God, Jesus, or, even, Mary for that matter.     Luckily for me, my parents did not push me to continue to pursue this religion which just somehow didn’t suit me and my natural curiosity and need to know the “truth”.
Fast forward —   ……..  One of the by-products of letting go of Catholicism–  I never develop a true sense of Catholic guilt or any of the usual Catholic hang-ups that you may have heard or joked about… But that is a whole other story for another time:
Re: my reluctance…..

Reluctance- defined by Webster’s: the quality or state of being reluctant (feeling or showing aversion, hesitation, or unwillingness<reluctant to get involved>; also: having or assuming a specified role unwillingly)

… Well, my reluctance comes down to a simple thing:   I am hesitant, unwilling, and experience a natural aversion to the idea of placing myself above others- especially, other yoga practitioners in the role of teacher.  To me, this presents a sort of paradox…. First of all, in this enlightened practice, how can I possibly declare myself an expert of anything?   Aren’t I supposed to surrender my ego and the like……    and secondly and along the same vein— Who do I think I am—really- how do I define myself?   Who am I?  Herein lies the problem….

Check in with me later and I’ll shed a little more light on this subject in my next post:  Pride and Fear.

Cassandra, the Greek goddess, can be seen almost as a forerunner to the modern woman– she was independent and had independent insights , she was  intelligent and unwilling to compromise herself and her beliefs.   Unfortunately for her, the world in which she lived was not quite ready to deal with such a force……
If you don’t know the story, Cassandra was granted the power to forsee the future by the god, Apollo.  This was done, however, with  the “understanding” that Apollo would ”have” her for his very own. Once granteed her powers, she refused him– not willing to give herself away. Apollo punishes her– not by taking away her vision, but  by making certain that no one would ever believe her. Very unfortunate since she had a lot to say and could have saved the Greeks a whole lot of trouble and heart ache. Remember the Trojan Horse? She tried to warn them.

So, stay tuned and I will begin to share with you what I see.

As our yoga practice leads to an increase awareness of our bodies and ultimately to greater self-acceptance, we begin to experience a heightened sense of awareness and consciousness of other aspects of the self.     We develop a more intuitive approach to our own well-being.  What foods seem right for my body?   Which relationships are feeding me and which are draining me and have, more or less, outlived their usefulness?

As we learn greater self-acceptance and awareness through our yoga practice, we become more prepared to  be the person we really are.   Sometimes we need guidance with this process.   Yet, I believe that when we begin the process somewhere, anywhere on this arc, we are more willing and able to implement changes and ask for the help we may need.

This reminds me of Carl Rogers’ keen observation:  “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”.

Curious and exciting!

I believe I have a pretty healthy relationship to food, having established good eating habits from my early childhood. My father taught my sister and I to eat well and exercise as we were growing up. Every year, my father’s garden was filled with delights– corn, zucchini, tomatoes, basil, cabbage, kale, garlic, string beans, beets, melons. Also, the fact that my father was a fruit farmer for much of his life certainly helped foster my love and appreciation, and, of course, access to the freshest, most luscious produce imaginable. Every summer, I would gorge myself on fresh peaches, nectarines, cherries, and berries.

Not to mention, my mother is a brilliant cook who has always enjoyed (and continues to enjoy) making beautiful culinary creations. This is part of her personal heritage and upbringing, having a mother who was born in Italy and learned from a very early age to cook splendid, simple meals with the freshest of ingredients. My mother carries on this tradition in a way that is really quite conscious and healthful– but certainly not fanatical- never sacrificing taste for healthy options- yet never overindulging tastes to the point of unhealthful eating…. a perfect, simple balance, you could say.

Throughout my twenties, I began experimenting with cooking and learning about what food choices worked best for me and my lifestyle. I cooked primarily vegetarian for years – and would eat chicken and fish on occasion. It made sense for me at the time– I wanted to eat consciously and cook cleanly and simply. Eating a sattvic, vegetarian diet was congruent as I pursued my yogic path. A few years ago, I had fun with the raw food craze- buying a dehydrator and “cooking” my own raw concoctions– granola, vegetable crackers, dried fruits and nuts. It was labor intensive and rewarding– I enjoyed the awareness of preparing food in this way and believed I was taking very good care of my self. As I continued eating mostly raw, however, I sensed that my energy level was somewhat depleted , my digestion slow, and my overall sense of vitality felt compromised.

I began to explore Ayurvedic nutrition for some answers. I became very interested in this ancient system of health and self-care which seemed to make sense to me on a very common-sense level. Learning about my dosha, or personal constitution, I found that eating raw was not the best option for me– I need more grounding, warming foods….. I could really benefit, I learned, from adding meat to my diet — as a matter of fact, I needed meat to fully nourish and maintain balance to my overall being. I began experimenting here and there- on a very small scale….

Fast forward a few years to today…. I am in a relationship with a man who definitely appreciates the nourishment of meat…… Would you believe– I just finished a beautiful, thoughtful, aromatic (and romantic) dinner of leg of lamb (butterflied with parsley, garlic, rosemary, and lemon zest) , basmati rice, grilled asparagus, and some other gorgeously sauteed farmer’s market green — the name of which escapes my mind right now.

I feel satisfied, nourished, and only a little bit, guilty…… Well, no– not really guilty— For me, I know I am practicing self-care and healing– achieving optimal energy through a conscious, healthy diet. When I eat meat, I make certain it is from a reputable, caring and healthful source– local, organic, hormone and antibiotic free and/or sustainable. I buy from Fleischer’s Butcher in uptown Kingston (my apartment- is directly across the street)…. Their products are all local and organic and compassionately raised. I am a conscious consumer here as with other aspects of my diet– and feel that this is what my body needs from time to time. I am convinced that chemically processed, factory-sourced or “farmed” meats as well as high-fat meats are definitely best to be avoided.

Ayurvedically speaking, I am vata/pitta by my doshic nature. The vata aspect of my constitution needs animal protein to build muscle and maintain tissue mass. I have energy, feel strong and pretty efficient in my overall functioning when I eat according to this diet. My pitta aspect could survive with a mere addition of some white chicken breast. I am finding, however, that organic lamb is really a good choice— it is lean, full of flavor, and has low acidity as a protein– ultimately, it does not conflict even with my fiery pitta nature.

I work on balancing my diet and trusting my intuition or “natural intelligence” of my body– most of the time I get it right and know that I am giving my body what it needs to feel vital and strong. When I don’t, I trust that I can make reasonable modifications at my next meal or two to even at the score! Moderation( balanced action) is a realistic approach as well as the most life-affirming, I find, at least for me.

Enjoying food, not limiting myself with any overly restrictive diet or guidelines — makes sense to me not only in terms of working toward a life of balance but also seems to honor my natural (familial) propensity to appreciate food at its best….

Can I continue to be on my spiritual path and eat meat from time to time? I believe the answer here is “yes”…. I am practicing self-care which is one of the main tenets I teach my clients. I continue to be conscious and mindful in my choices. As a yogi, I work towards practicing ahimsa (nonviolence) toward my self and others. I believe that my appreciation, awareness, and gratitude for what nourishes me — whether it is meat, vegetable, or mineral– is a practice of compassion, kindness, ad self-love and care.

And, I must admit, I find comfort and pleasure in knowing that even the Dalai Lama began to eat meat at the advice of his doctor because his vegetarian diet was not fueling him properly. Who would have guessed it? I suppose each of us needs to live and move toward clarity– discovering what works best for us, without judgment but rather with curiosity, compassion and full self-acceptance.